I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
