2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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