From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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