ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
