my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
