The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
