he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
