They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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