how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
