Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
did i walk over a car last night?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
