please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
