Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
