I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
