We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
