Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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