I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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