i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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