At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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