I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
