She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
