i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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