Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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