Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
