his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
