Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
