I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
