Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
