You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
