I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You're a waste of cheezeits
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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