My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
