I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
