this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You are a genius and a whore.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
