I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
