I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
