i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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