I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
