He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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