hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
