so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
