Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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