I think my fart just growled at me.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
