I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
