Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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