No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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