Kareoke will never be a sober sport
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
