My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
