We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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