So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
