He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
