OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
