This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
