Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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