Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize