Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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