There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
As shirtless as possible
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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