I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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